Steve And Thor Versus New York City
by Mintey
Summary: When Tony decides it's best that Steve and Thor learn their own way around the world, no good can come out of the situation. A series of short stories about the adventures of Steve and Thor, and the chaos that ensues.
1. Versus The Supermarket

**Disclaimer:** I don't own this movie or anything... if I did, I wouldn't be on FanFiction, and I would be busy coercing Chris and Chris to get their own TV show.

**Movie-verse. **Post-Avengers. Just a collection of silly stories for Steve and Thor versus New York City. No plot really, just something inspired by a tag on Tumblr about how funny it would be to see the two of them as roomies and not understanding anything.

_Prologue: Tony decided it would be best if Steve and Thor, the two most accident-prone Avengers to modern times, stay together in an apartment until they sorted out the world (rather, a remote section of the Stark Tower, but same thing to Tony). Since he was always busy with science or whatever, Steve and Thor are often left to figure out their own problems, and chaos ensues._

* * *

**.: Steve and Thor vs. Supermarkets :.**

Steve pushed open the door to the apartment he shared with Thor, exhausted from a hard workout, as well as the several flights of stairs that led to the far end of Stark Tower. Tony had marked off staircases that Steve and Thor should take to get to their home, because most of the building was still in renovation, but part of Steve wondered if the elongated route was Tony's idea of a practical joke. Still, he'd rather get the extra exercise than end up stepping off an unfinished walkway and falling down to the busy New York streets below.

Thor was sitting at the counter, eating, as usual. It was any wonder that the demi-god stayed in shape. Steve felt his stomach growl at the sight of food and he made a beeline for the cabinets, only to find them empty.

"Thor, where did all the food go?" Steve noticed Thor's hammer sitting on the marble counter top next to his plate. "And how many times have I told you not to leave your hammer on the table?" Steve made a feeble attempt to at least push the hammer off the counter with no avail.

Thor promptly moved his hammer and smiled, mouth full of cereal. "I ate it! It seemed a shame such bountiful amounts of food should sit and go to waste!"

Steve sighed. "No, Thor, how many times do I have to explain-" He shook his head. "Never mind. Come on, we're going to the supermarket." Most of the time Tony found a new recruit to do the shopping, but seeing as he was doing business (also known as drinking excessively and passing out on the lab table), Steve and Thor were on their own.

After weaving the maze of staircases and finding their way through the crowded streets, they made it to Shop Rite. Steve had almost lost Thor twice, once to find him admiring woman's clothing in a shop window and stating what wonderful capes the dresses could make, and a second time to find him trying to make friends with some pigeons.

"What do you want for dinner tonight, Thor?" asked Steve. He didn't trust himself to cook with the fancy modern-day appliances, yet he trusted Thor even less. It would have to be a learning (and mostly failing) experience for the both of them. Realizing he'd lost Thor again, Steve rolled his eyes and re-traced his steps. He found Thor opening a box of poptarts. "Thor, you have to wait until we buy the food before you can eat it!"

"My apologies, Captain." Thor handed Steve the box. "May I finish this so called Pop Tart? It is mighty delicious."

Steve added the box to the shopping cart and nodded. Anything that could hold Thor's attention span long enough to keep him out of trouble was good news for Steve. "Come on, we have to finish shopping."

Thor followed Steve through the isles, from time to time pointing at things he claimed were copied from Asgard. Steve stopped believing him after Thor pointed to a box of Lucky Charms, claiming that the rainbow was actually the Bifrost.

After collecting both things that Thor could get into (poptarts, cereal, and chips), as well as couldn't (hamburger meat, raw pasta, and canned goods, since Thor had yet to learn how to use the can opener), the pair headed towards the checkout line. Steve had learned by now that the dollar was worth less than the 40's - a lot less - but that didn't stop him from grumbling as he opened his wallet. It was filled with cash and coins due to the fact that Steve didn't trust credit cards, nor did he know how to pay bills, since Bucky had always taken care of that.

"I do not understand how why Midguardians exchange paper for food. It is ever so strange," remarked Thor. "May I see one of these paper items you find so valuable."

Not trusting Thor to tear the bill in half, Steve handed the man assorted coins instead. "The paper is called money, and we use it as a sort of in-between, so that we don't have to trade a chicken to get vegetables, or whatever else," said Steve.

"Who are these men?" asked Thor, pointing to the heads of the coins.

"Our presidents. We elect them, and they're sort of like a king except with less power and less ruling time."

"You humans would be better off with kings. It is a system much simpler than your own."

"We tried that," said Steve. He chuckled. "Didn't work out so well. England ended up at war with America because of..." Steve trailed off, realizing none of this would make sense to Thor. He ought to get a history textbook and have Thor read through it sometime.

Thor's face contorted in confusion. "Who is England?"

"It's a country, not a person. It's sort of like another world, except not. I really don't know how to explain this to you, buddy." Heck, Steve ought to even get Thor a map. The poor guy probably thought New York City was the only part of their world. At least Steve had a general knowledge of the world, although to be honest it had come as a bit of a shock when Bruce explained that the United States now had 50 states, not 48.

Luckily the checkout woman didn't notice the superheroes, and they were able to pay without a fuss. The supermarket hadn't been too bad, considering how it could have went, decided Steve as he walked with Thor back home.

The next day, Steve returned home from his usual morning workout, only to find Thor eating (again), and the pantry empty (again). Including the raw meat and pasta. Steve shuddered at the mere thought of Thor eating the two. However, the cans were missing, and Steve had no clue as to where those went.

"Thor, where did the-" Steve turned around to find Thor sitting at a messy plate of beans, two halves of a can discarded further down the counter, with a sauce-coated hammer next to it. "Oh."

Steve grabbed his wallet and couldn't help but notice how much thinner it had become. He _really _needed to talk to Fury about getting a weekly allowance to buy Thor food.


	2. Versus Smartphones

**.: Steve and Thor vs. Smartphones :.**

It had been all Tony's fault - as usual. He had suggested that Capsicle and Point break needed to be more reachable, despite the fact that they lived in the same building. Steve had rolled his eyes, expecting nothing less of Tony, and Thor didn't see a need at all, claiming that his voice was loud enough to be heard wherever. Unfortunately, that was true. So Tony had bought them a smartphone to share, since Steve only ever wanted to use the old 40's phone that Phil had miraculously had in storage (although Tony had a sneaking suspicion that the man had spent all night bidding on eBay for one).

"How does this work?" muttered Steve aloud, prodding at the plastic screen of the iPhone. Tony had decided to both steal the directions and have JARVIS record the escapade, for his viewing pleasure. Steve, becoming increasingly annoyed, yelled, "Tony, I know you're listening in. Can you help me, please?"

A few floors up, Tony was laughing hysterically in his lab chair. "No-can-do, McFly. Hey, since you used your magic icicle machine to travel to the future, you should be able to figur-"

"JARVIS, please turn off the intercom."

A rushed, "JARVIS, you take orders from me!" could be heard over the speakers before JARVIS said, "As you wish, Mr. Rogers."

If Steve thought Tony was an obnoxious billionaire before, well, he didn't know what that made Stark now. Probably just more obnoxious, especially since he had taken it upon himself to give Steve every possible time-traveling, ice-related, American nickname he could muster.

"Perhaps you would like me to try," suggested Thor, who had been sitting on the couch watching TV. Luckily, Tony had decided to leave the TV perpetually on, and Thor had taken quite a liking to the "humorous dwarf people in the magical light box." That being said, Steve wasn't so sure he wanted Thor trying the phone just yet.

Steve examined the phone once more, and tried pressing a button at the top. The screen lit up. "Thanks, but I think I've got it, Thor." Steve read the letters on the screen stating _slide to unlock_.

Slide to unlock? Meaning the plastic he had perceived to be the actual phone was just a security case? Steve let out a heavy sigh and knelt on the tile floor. He gently placed the phone next to him and gave it a small shove. The smartphone went skidding across the floor, remaining lit with the same screen. Steve repeated the process several times before picking up the phone and giving it a small shake. It _did_ say to slide to unlock, and that's what he had done. He poked the screen again, and the little grey arrow moved to the right a hair before shifting back into place.

Maybe it wanted him to slide the arrow over. Steve completed the motion only to be rewarded with a screen asking him for a password. Tony's idea, again. He had somehow managed to customize the screen to read, "Let's see how smart Freedom in Tight Pants really is." Rolling his eyes, Steve typed in the only 4-digit number he could think of: 0704. Tony had made it his personal mission to torture Steve about his patriotic birthday ever since he read it in the S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel files.

"Thor, who should we test out the phone by calling?" asked Steve.

Thor scratched his head. "Calling them what? I see no need to bestow new names among our friends."

"Never mind, big guy." Steve looked down at the phone and searched for the illuminated button that read _Make a Call_. He touched it lightly and was perplexed by the numbers and symbols that appeared in boxes. Since he had grown accustomed to calling Pepper for help when Tony was unwilling to offer it, Steve knew her number by heart. He tilted his head and stared down the screen. Did it want him to press the button with the big number? Or was he supposed to type in Pepper's name? Steve opted for typing in Pepper's name, deciding that technology had evolved enough so that one should type in the name rather than the number. He pressed enter and heard the phone ringing.

"Hello?" answered a confused man's voice. "Who's calling?"

"Hi, um, is Pepper around?" asked Steve, wondering who Pepper could be with that wasn't Tony.

"Pepper? I don't know any Pepper."

Steve let out a sigh. "Um, I know she probably told you to deny any calls from anyone so Tony didn't figure out you were with her-"

"Tony? I'm sorry, you must have a wrong number."

"Yeaaaahh..." agreed Steve, drawing the word out. "I'm so sorry." He fumbled to press the end button on the phone. A red flush spread up his neck, onto his cheeks, and over his ears.

Thor, who was growing more interested by the moment, made his way over to where Steve was still sat on the floor. He sat down next to Steve and said, "May I see this communication device you speak of as a phone?"

"How about I try one other way, and if it works you can talk to Pepper," Steve offered. This time he typed in Pepper's phone number and handed the phone to Thor the instant it started ringing, not wanting to be caught up in another awkward conversation.

Pepper's distinct voice could be heard through the phone as answered the phone with a very professional, "Pepper Potts speaking, who is calling?"

"PEPPER!" boomed Thor, yelling into the phone. "HOW IS IT THAT YOU SPEAK TO ME THROUGH AIR AS IF YOU WERE NEXT TO ME?"

"Thor!?" Pepper managed, holding her phone out and away from her ear. "Thor, how did you get my number?"

"STEVE HAS GIVEN ME THIS WONDERFUL DEVICE-"

"Thor, buddy, you don't have to yell. She can hear you fine without you shouting loud enough to wake up the entire city." Steve couldn't help but laugh at Thor's attempt to use a phone. He often forgot that Thor had no exposure to Earth's technology, whereas he at least had an outdated knowledge of it. "Here, let me talk to Pepper."

Pepper said, "Steve? What trouble did you and Thor get into now?"

"Tony thought it would-"

"Tony thinks a lot of things. More often than not they're bad ideas. Let me rephrase my question. Do I need to send Tony to his room?"

"No, he wanted to get Thor and me a so-called smartphone," said Steve, making the quotation marks with his fingers and nearly dropping the phone in the process. "Oops."

"Is everything alright?" Pepper had already begun to make her way towards the two Avengers' apartment, not caring what Steve's answer would be. "Just, don't break anything, okay?"

"I'll try not to," Steve said, laughing. "Goodbye, Pepper." Steve ended the call and handed the phone to Thor. "Here, you can try. Do you know Jane or Darcy's number?"

"I know not what number you speak of," said Thor. He began pressing buttons aimlessly and a robotic woman's voice came through the phone.

"Hello, Icepop and Pikachu. What can I help you with?"

Thor dropped the phone in surprise, and began reprimanding the automated voice. "I demand to know who addresses Thor, son of Odin in such a manner!"

Steve cringed as he watched the phone hit the floor and the screen shatter, lines of cracks spreading across the once-spotless screen. Just at that moment, Pepper opened the door and saw the scene of chaos before her.

"Sorry," was all Steve could manage, as Thor continued to hound the broken phone with questions.

Pepper only shook her head. "It's a good thing Tony is a billionaire." With that she walked back out the door, leaving Steve to calm Thor down. Luckily, JARVIS decided it was time to step in.

"Thor, son of Odin," began the AL, learning his lesson from Siri, "The phone was a recording programmed by Mr. Stark. It meant no disrespect." Hearing JARVIS, who he had become used to, Thor simmered down.

Tony by now had managed to override JARVIS and came on the intercom, managing only short spurts of words in between his howling bursts of laughter. "No, no, I'm pretty sure Siri meant it."

Steve crossed his arms, knowing Tony had a camera in their room somewhere. "Tony, you know it's not funny. Don't taunt Thor. One of these days he may just hit you over the head with a hammer." That momentarily shut Tony up. "Maybe then your head will be set correctly."

"HEY!"

All were oblivious to the fact that Clint had managed to bring up his own personal screening of the argument. He sat amused, watching the scene play out.

"JARVIS, how long do you think they'll be like this?" asked Clint, leaning back on the couch.

"For a while, sir."

"Good, then I can go grab a beer and not miss anything," Clint said, bolting to the fridge.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you guys like this chapter! I apologize for any iPhone inconsistencies because I actually don't have any sort of smartphone. I've still got my original Samsung Alias, and he's plugging along just fine. His name is Carter, and he could beat all your smanshy iPhones up in a street-fight ;) Anyway, reviews make me happy! I'd be happy to oblige any requests for future chapters, although I've already got the next two planned out.


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